How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you. —Rupi Kaur
Does this sound familiar?
“Doing this is ridiculous, stupid, and a waste of time when I could get REAL work done.”
Yes, those were my exact words as I spoke to my reflection in the mirror while trying an exercise in self-love.
You know the one where you stare into your own eyes and say kind things like, “You’re amazing,” or “I love you.”
I was a novice trying a PhD-level practice of self-love.
Oops…not my first stumble
This “full-length mirror failure” reminds me of how I bought the piano sheet music for Alicia Keys song “Fallin’” (jump to the 2:00 mark to see and hear her brilliance).
I tried to play this difficult arrangement after not playing the piano for years.
No surprise I gave up quickly, saying to myself, “How crazy am I thinking I can play this?” and “Kim, you’ll never be good enough.”
Instead of first practicing scales and etudes that are required as a foundation for playing such a challenging song, eventually…
I placed the music on the top of other never learned songs.
And I went back to doing what was easier…
Checking things off my to-do list that were more about caring for others and had nothing to do with my dream of playing like Alicia Keys.
Making time for piano practice, especially the rote and boring exercises, felt hard…and selfish.
Self-love is selfish, right?
The idea of self-love can sound a little…fluffy.
Maybe you hear it and immediately think of self-indulgence, self-absorption, or something reserved for people with too much time on their hands.
If that’s you, you’re not alone.
Many of us weren’t taught that caring for ourselves is a priority—we learned to tough it out, push through, and focus on the needs of others first.
But self-love isn’t about putting yourself above others.
It’s about treating yourself with the same fairness and respect you offer everyone else.
It’s not just a feel-good idea.
It’s a practical skill that, when developed, improves not only your own well-being but also your relationships, productivity, and overall satisfaction in life.
What self-love actually is (and isn’t)
Self-love isn’t about taking endless bubble baths, indulging in luxuries, or dodging responsibility. It’s about:
- How you talk to yourself. Do you offer yourself encouragement, or do you default to harsh criticism?
- How you handle mistakes. Do you beat yourself up, or do you use them as opportunities to grow?
- How you prioritize your well-being. Do you give yourself the same care and attention you give to others, or do you put yourself last?
At its core, self-love is simply the practice of treating yourself with kindness, patience, and respect—just like you would a good friend.
The more you do this, the more resilient and capable you become in every other area of your life.
Still skeptical?
It’s time to get practical…and create a PRACTICE of self-love.
🌱The Practice: 3 Steps to Self-Love for the Novice and the Skeptic
Start by thinking of self-love as a skill—one that you can build over time, like learning to cook, improving your fitness, or playing the piano.
Here are three practical ways to start:
1. Swap Self-Criticism for a Fairer Perspective
Most of us have an inner voice that jumps straight to criticism when we mess up: “That was so stupid. Why do I always do this?” But imagine if a friend said the same thing about themselves. You’d probably say, “Hey, cut yourself some slack. Everyone makes mistakes.”
To practice:
The next time you catch yourself being self-critical, pause.
Ask yourself, “Would I say this to a friend?”
If not, reframe it: “That didn’t go as planned, but I’m learning. Next time, I’ll do better.”
2. Do One Small Thing for Yourself Daily
Self-love doesn’t mean overhauling your life overnight—it’s about small, intentional actions that show you matter.
This could mean getting enough sleep, setting a boundary, or simply taking five minutes to enjoy your coffee without rushing.
To practice:
Pick one small act of care and commit to doing it daily.
It doesn’t have to be big—it just has to be consistent.
Over time, these small choices reinforce your sense of worth.
3. Stop Holding Mistakes Against Yourself
Being hard on yourself won’t erase mistakes, but learning from them can transform the way you handle setbacks. Everyone messes up. The difference is in how you respond.
To practice:
When you catch yourself replaying a mistake, try this:
- Identify what you learned.
- Acknowledge that mistakes are part of growth.
- Move forward without letting it define you.
Give it six weeks—then decide
If you’re still skeptical, here’s a challenge:
Try just one of the above practices for six weeks.
Don’t overthink it.
Just commit, observe, and see if anything changes.
Will it be hard and feel selfish? Maybe, probably…Yes!
PRACTICE it anyway.
At the end of six weeks, ask yourself:
Do I feel less drained?
Am I handling stress better?
Am I more patient with myself and others?
Self-love isn’t about becoming someone you’re not.
It’s about treating yourself like someone who deserves care and respect—because you do.
And after six weeks, you might be able to stand in front of a mirror and say,
“Well done”…
“You did your best”…
OR
“I love you.”
