Better than Thanksgiving’s gratitude gravy 🙏🏼

A few weeks ago, on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon, I found myself in one of those tiny, ridiculous misunderstandings that seem too insignificant to matter…until they do.

I had been rushing between tasks—emails, client calls, prepping dinner—when one simple comment from someone I love landed wrong.

You know those moments: the tone slightly off, the timing inconvenient, the emotional bandwidth at maybe 7%…and suddenly the air shifts.

I felt myself stiffen. A tiny spark of defensiveness flickered between us like static. There was no yelling, no dramatic walk-off, no big speech. Just a tightening. A silence. A “Wait…what just happened?”

And the rest of the evening felt ever so slightly tilted.

There was nothing grand or headline-worthy about it. No one else would have noticed. But as I climbed into bed that night, I realized:

This is where the real work of relationships happens—in these tiny, messy, unglamorous moments.

In this season of gratitude and gathering—where we imagine big Norman Rockwell scenes around long tables and perfect turkeys—I keep circling back to this truth:

The character of our relationships is not formed in the big moments.
It is shaped in the thousands of small moments that happen when no one is watching.

And those are messy. Beautiful. Human. Imperfect. Honest.
And they are where the universe keeps inviting us into more grace.

We Want Perfect—But We’re Human

We dream of relationships that glide effortlessly: family gatherings without tension, conversations that land perfectly, marriages that age like fine wine, friendships that never get awkward, adult children who always understand our intentions.

But the truth?
Relationships are messy because people are messy.

Not flawed in a shameful way—just beautifully complex, wonderfully imperfect, delightfully human. And if we’re honest, our relationships would be less exhausting if we weren’t in them…because we are often our own biggest obstacle.

The seed of the tension is this:

We want harmony, but we also want to be right.
We want connection, but we also want control.
We want softness, but we also want our preferences met.

This is the quiet battle inside every relationship.

The Real Issue Beneath the Mess

If you’ve ever wondered why little things get under your skin—why it’s so easy to judge instead of get curious, or to bristle instead of soften—it’s because:

We carry into every relationship our own patterns of self-protection.

Call it ego or insecurity.
Call it old stories or well-rehearsed conditioning.
Whatever name you choose, it all does the same thing:

It pulls our attention inward—toward our needs, our feelings, our interpretations.

And when we are inwardly braced, even a harmless comment can feel like an attack.

This self-protective instinct is universal. It’s not a moral failing—it’s human biology and psychology doing their thing. But if we don’t see the pattern clearly, we end up repeating it over and over.

Once we understand it, though?

We can begin to interrupt it.
We can prepare for the resistance.
But we can also bring grace for ourselves on the journey.

What We Do in the Small Moments Matters Most

Studies in relational psychology show that relationships don’t thrive on grand gestures; they thrive on micro-repair—tiny acts of turning toward each other.

Not just on holidays.
Not just during the Thanksgiving toast.
Not just when we’re gathered around a beautifully set table.

But in the morning tensions, the miscommunications, the overly long pauses, the sighs, the glances, the “Wait…what?” moments.

Most of the character of your relationships is built in:

• the quick repair after a misunderstanding

• the softening of your voice after tension

• the willingness to say, “Tell me more about what you meant”

• the humility to say, “I might have gotten that wrong”

• the generosity to give someone’s clumsy words a gentler interpretation

• the choice to ask a curious question instead of making an assumption

Those are the moments that grow connection.
Those are the moments that heal.
Those are the moments that shape families and friendships more than any holiday dinner ever will.

Grace Lives in the Messy Middle

Here’s the truth I keep returning to:

There is always grace in the messy middle—if we’re willing to admit we need it.

🙋🏻‍♀️ And boy do I need it…how about you?

Grace—whether you call it love, compassion, life force, spiritual support, or the universe’s soft guidance—doesn’t usually arrive during the picture-perfect holiday moment.

It arrives:

• in the awkward apology

• in the quiet repair

• in the honest confession

• in the willingness to be curious instead of correct

• in the moment you choose openness instead of defense

The universe is generous.
It keeps offering us chances to soften.
To mend.
To see each other clearly.
To see ourselves clearly.

It doesn’t shout.
It whispers in small, ordinary moments:

“Try again. Try softer. Try with love.”

What We Build in 10,000 Moments

The holidays can trick us into forgetting this:

Your relationships are not made at Thanksgiving dinner.

They are made:

• on Tuesday afternoons

• in car rides

• in long grocery store lines

• while folding laundry

• during the sigh after a stressful day

• in the apology that feels small

• in the smile that feels like a truce

We make only a handful of big decisions in our lifetimes.
Everything else?
Small moments. Ordinary moments. Messy moments.

Those moments become the story you are writing with the people you love.

And this year, as you gather—with family, chosen family, or friends—I hope you remember that the meal is just a backdrop.

The real story is happening in the in-between.

 

🌱 The Practice: The 10-Second Micro-Shift